My journey September 7, 2011

I wanted to start this blog to track my progress, feelings, path, decisions, choices from what happened to me in my life.  My real journey started 6 1/2 months ago, February 21, 2011 to be exact.  I have learned to cope with lives ups and downs.  I realized that life is full of choices that will affect MY future.  I wish I can turned back the time and make better decisions.  I wish my walk with god was stronger rather than casual.  But I can't!  I can only push myself to go forward because I can make wiser decisions.  My past is a reflection of good and bad decisions I made, but my future will shape me to be who I am.

September 7, 2011:
Today I am at a better mindset than I was yesterday and the day before.  The little voices in my mind were attacking me in every direction.  I tried to shift my thinking, I tried to changed the channel, I tried to changed the way the bad memories in my mind were playing etc... I keep telling myself to sing a new song to start living NOT surviving! Nothing worked!  I felt like the enemy won the fight yesterday and the day before.  So I prayed and prayed and asked God to help me.  God was telling me " I can't help you if you don't help yourself!"  "Ye of little faith!"  I felt like God was upset at me, but I know better!  God loves me unconditionally, he's my father, my daddy, he's my strengthen, my fortress, my rock.  He's my ALL IN ALL!
I was upset at myself for letting my emotions get to me!  I am hard on myself.  Aren't' we all?
Today I realized that (yes my emotions are on a roller coaster ride.. today I am maybe strong, tomorrow I may be weak or emotional etc..)I need to start living NOT surviving!  I realized that what doesn't kill me will make me stronger!
I realized my happiness is based on me NOT anyone else's.  I am NOT responsible for other's bad decisions or bad behaviors.  I am NOT responsible for someone's shame and guilty that they put on me to make themselves feel better.  I realized that the people in my life may be here today but gone tomorrow.  I realized that I have to be strong in whatever circumstances I deal with.
I realized that this journey will make or break me.  I have two choices, to make it or break it!

++++++++ I WANT TO MAKE IT.+++++++++++++

I am not going to play the victim like others!  There's a saying "Don't cry for someone who won't cry for you!"  Thinking back, all the tears I shredded could fill a tub for my little princess to bathe in!

I am still in the healing/recovery moment of my life.  So today my blog is better but tomorrow may be a different story.  But I want my blog to be filled with encouragements of moving forward instead of backward.  I've been going backward many times.